05_30_2026
I'm scared to start. I don't know why. I recently began taking a piece of advice I have heard countless times: "enjoy the process". Before this my mind was polluted with examples from various works, that seemingly make the point that enjoyment is an achievement rather than a prerequisite. Whiplash being the definitive example of this, and it's still one of my favorite movies. I followed this philosophy of "having to sacrifice everything for greatness" for as long as I can remember. I did make progress on some of my interests, it's just I would never learn how to have fun. Everything had to be optimized or else I would be wasting time and would never be able to get to the level I wanted to achieve and if I never get to the level I want to achieve: Is there even a point? This has some merit still I think, although lately I've been thinking that enjoying the process is a requirement and not just a second thought or something you're only allowed when you get to the peak. It makes sense that having such a pure unconditional love for the process would allow you to improve efficiently. Being able to view your mistakes through a healthy lens and having goals that don't rely on extrinsic factors makes sense that it would lead people who have this "love for the process" mindset to actually achieve their goals. But before coming to this conclusion I lost the fire. And I don't know how to reignite it. This happened the past week--weeks now, it's been so long since I've felt normal about this I don't even realize how much time has actually passed. Deadlock, a game I fell in love with since the first time I played it. In less than six months I was able to collect over one thousand hours of play time. Although, I have some sort of mental block when it comes to playing competitive games solo queue--Deadlock was special, the first multiplayer game I played in years that I didn't exclusively play with friends. I have what I would guess is more than sixty percent of my playtime spent solo-queueing, and if I had to guess most other competitive multiplayer games I've played would total to around less than thirty percent, which might be a bit generous even. Even though I wanted to improve at the game, I watched guides from players I respected, vod reviewed myself and top-players games; I was still having fun, the grind didn't take away from my enjoyment despite my taking no effort to ensure my enjoyment. It was purely all for the love of the game. Eventually I started playing more with friends, and soon I found my fire dwindling, the game I was spending eight plus hours per day on some weeks, became something I played for maybe forty minutes last Sunday in the past two weeks, and its almost Sunday again. I think part of this reason wasn't really my mindset directed towards myself about improvement, while it's not perfect I think the bigger issue was my confidence. I became scared, that I would stop improving, even though I was still comfortably climbing the ladder going from ascendant one to ascendant six in about a weeks time, progress that I think is worth feeling proud of. This is part of the issue, why is it that certain types of progress should be looked down upon? Just because there is someone who's better? Why is it that my progress has to be measured against some fictional or objective scale; I don't have a rival, I'm not in a competition against anyone and yet I have an aversion towards viewing my progress relative to myself. I have to compare it to the best, "I'm only the second highest rank in the game?" "Well the tutorial isn't over until you're at least ranked top 100". I think part of it is that because I was playing more with friends--to the point of almost exclusively playing the game duo-queued--my progress had become observed. I was no longer playing against myself, but now had another person's eyes on my improvement, the amount of wins, the speed at which I ranked up, my individual performance every game. It wasn't like my friends that I played with would flame or scapegoat me for losses and neither would I do that to them, but the dynamic changed. Subconsciously I had to maintain my persona, that I'm good, because I wanted them to believe that; I haven't thought about this until now, but I think this is probably one of the biggest reasons. My motivation began as desire to improve because I enjoyed the game and was having fun being able to notice the small amounts of progress I made and transformed into this desire to impress people who, realistically, don't even care. If they did what are the outcomes, I'm perceived as bad by them and they flame me? Or I'm perceived as a good player to them, and at best I get a compliment? Personally I think the outcomes are imbalanced. For me if I was complimented by someone worse than me or at the same skill level and we weren't at a "respectable" level of skill, I would brush it off, I know I'm not that good, I'm not top 100, I would forget about it in a few minutes. But an insult, it's true I'm not top 100, it's honesty but delivered in a way that hurts even more; it's something that I would remember for awhile. I do let words hurt me--badly--and it goes deep under my skin. I remember a moment when, after losing the game, a Holiday (I still remember the specific hero they were playing) player commented on my movement being bad. I already knew this. It was something I was planning on improving just hadn't dedicated the time yet, but the words stung, because the words were honest, I couldn't just say "you're wrong, my movement isn't bad!" and on-top of that the message was packaged cruelly. And I still remember it, I don't know specifics like their username, but this single comment I remember months later, this person probably doesn't remember saying this; but I do. I don't think people who trash talk are bad people or it's something you shouldn't do, but it hurts me even if I try to act like it doesn't. I spent probably one of the longest sessions at the time practicing my movement after this. I hold moments where people disrespect me very "dear" not on purpose, rather because I'm a very petty person. I want to prove them wrong, that I'm not bad and that I'll reach my goals, but I don't think I even care about proving them wrong, they probably won't remember me even if they saw my name on the leader board at rank 1, but for some reason I can't forget these moments, they don't inspire me, they don't make me happy, so why aren't they forgotten? Regardless it feels like I begin to play not for myself, but because I want to spite this list of random people that have trash talked me. My goals shift towards these selfish and extrinsic motivations, where I want to be the number one, at the very top, with fans, and known. But those motivations burn quick. I end up chasing something I don't really care for, leaving behind what I actually enjoy and it ruins everything. For a month or so now I haven't even been able to open the game and even less feel excited to queue. I have all these ideas on how to fix it, improve my mindset, create intrinsic goals, don't focus on wins or losses, don't worry about what people say, focus only on my own gameplay, don't fixate on rank. But it feels pointless, like I'm feeding myself delusions: "winning doesn't matter, you should focus on improving your gameplay." Except I have so many doubts: what if my focus is misguided and I'm trying to improve something that doesn't matter and wasting time? What if I can't see the biggest issues in my gameplay and can't find something to improve? What if I'm just incapable of improvement? What do I do if I get stuck? I don't know the answers, especially the last question, probably the one I'm most afraid of. Even with everything else, the worst of it all is I don't know how to fall back in love with the game. It feels tainted now. Like someone found my hiding spot and hiding in the same spot twice feels useless. There are feelings and pain associated with the game that make it feel like I'm walking into a stranger's house uninvited every time I open the game. Except I still want to enjoy the game like before, I watch streamers, tournaments, read every patch note, but I'm locked out looking in from outside. Unfortunately, I don't have the fortitude to bring myself inside, and I don't know what I can do to fix it.
Things that have helped me tackle some of these feelings the past two weeks:
Why Some Gamers Improve Faster - 위자드형 WizardHyeong https://youtu.be/GJCngmLFDgw?si=3kpxIAo0osgeCdO6 The video I watched that made me begin thinking about everything I just wrote down. I don't think it has particularly helped fix my situation but it gave me insight on where to start. It made me entirely rethink how I view the process and the end goal. The before and after watching this video is a moderately different person.
Madoka Magica Last Monday I rewatched Madoka with some friends at their house, and having all this on my mind at the time made me interpret in a way that I had never before. I thought about the wish of becoming a magical girl being similar to making the choice to chase your dreams. Despite knowing that your fate is already determined. The magical girls know that at the end of the journey, all that awaits them is to transform into a witch. Even so they push forward with hope, that they can do something that makes it all worth it in the end. Achieve something that they can look back at and be proud of while knowing they head face first towards their demise. A demise that they themselves chose by chasing their dreams. And I find it beautiful, having that kind of strength, knowing exactly how your story is going to end, knowing that your choice determined the outcome, but despite that your reason, your passion, makes the pain and struggle all worth it regardless of how things end.
Bobduh https://wrongeverytime.com/ A blog that I've read for a few years now. Also one of the reasons that I care so much about art the way that I do. His essays have made me feel so many different feelings. One of my favorites is his essay on Maquia, the way he translates the themes into words is so profound to me and I wish I could reach his level of understanding of art one day. He inspired me to engage with art on a deeper level and because of that it completely changed the person I am today.
10:42 troubled duck https://youtu.be/owHmS5WywBs I really love this edit. The colors the sound effects the rhythm it's all so good. Makes me feel something special being able to see such unique and interesting art. It also introduced me to the song windburn by Kinji which I also love and have listened to his EP Thunderhead which is also great.